redefining the word guarantee

Saw this article today in which the Steelers’ Anthony Smith has supposedly guaranteed a win this week. Here’s the quote:

“We’re going to win,” Smith said. “Yeah, I can guarantee a win. As long as we come out and do what we got to do. Both sides of the ball are rolling, and if our special teams come through for us, we’ve got a good chance to win.”

Well let’s see.  First sentence has a very definitive “going to win” followed by an equally positive “guarantee a win”.  Then we get a little “as long as…” disclaimer.  The last sentence is where it all goes downhill with an “if our…” followed by the much-less-definitive-than-a-mere-two-sentences-ago “we’ve got a good chance”.

For those unclear on the grammar in play, “a good chance” is not equal to “guarantee a win”.  Not by a long shot.

I may be a Steelers fan, but I’m never a fan of duh.

One Response to “redefining the word guarantee”

  1. Andrew Says:

    Tommy Boy 11:23-28

    Tommy: Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.
    Ted: I’m listening.
    Tommy: Here’s how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box ’cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
    Ted: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
    Tommy: ‘Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.
    Ted: What’s your point?
    Tommy: The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer? “Building model airplanes” says the little fairy, but we’re not buying it. Next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
    Ted: But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
    Tommy: Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That’s all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.
    Ted: Hmm. Okay, I’ll buy from you.

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